“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” — Pablo Picasso.
Today is Day 45.
I am still grieving after my dear mom passed away on Feb 5th, a bright Full Moon night. It was Thai Poosam, a very auspicious day for Lord Muruga and Saint Ramalingam Adigalar, known popularly as Vallalar.
Since that day, I have been immersed in an ocean of guilt and grief, struggling to come up and out, taking one day at a time. Trying to be more mindful was the last thing I thought would help me, but for the last forty-five days, I have concluded that conscious living is a way out – to make peace with myself, my mom, my loving family, and friends around me, to allow my grief to lose its hold over me.
I have been meaning to start writing my blog for some time now. But things always got in the way – work, daily routine, family commitments, health issues, cooking, cleaning, submitting taxes, you know how it goes. I thought that at some point, I would have plenty of time to do that.
Man proposes, God disposes
Just like I thought there would be plenty of time to spend with my mom later. First, I would like to get this and this done. Then, I will be able to revisit her longer next time around and make good memories together. It never even occurred to me that at 78, she was getting old and frail. I did not even have the faintest of clue that the last time I saw her was the last time I would ever see her alive.
The last time I spoke to her, she had some issues breathing. One would think, as a daughter, I would drop everything and fly to be with her. But I did not do so. When I asked her if I should come immediately, she said, “No need. I will be fine.” I wished she had said, “Yes, please come.” Or that I had but remembered that; wait a minute, my mom is 78, and now she has breathing problems, so I should go immediately, urgently – everything else can wait. In hindsight, it is a no-brainer, but sadly, that did not happen.
Grief caused by Maya or Illusion
The illusion of time and space set in – mom will be there forever. I can go and visit her anytime I want. She is sick now, but she will bounce back like she always did.
No, not this time around – she did not bounce back.
I have not focused on my mother. My focus was elsewhere – on my work, family, and hobbies.
The time had come for her to leave, and I was not there by her side. She is now no longer here with me, and here I am on this earth reflecting, replaying the different sets of permutations and combinations how she could be still living if only I had reacted quickly.
But those moments are gone now and will never return.
I cannot change anything now. It is in the past.
All these thoughts that wash over me, are part of the healing process from grief to acceptance and forgiveness.
Mindful living moments to banish grief
What I can do now is to be more mindful of the moments which gracefully flow by me.
What I can do now is to only look around me and try to be full of awareness within each moment when my consciousness remembers.
Maybe now, I should walk up to my child, sit beside him, and say, “Look, that is how you do it,” instead of shouting instructions to him (from the kitchen or next room).
Or, perhaps I should go to the door and greet my husband with a kiss as he comes home – instead of sitting at my computer surfing the web or getting something done, there always is something to do at the computer.
Isn’t it time I get in touch with a friend from the past who has helped and supported me by being there for me?
Take a break and look outside the window at how blue the sky is and how the clouds float lazily.
Simply say a silent prayer of gratitude for everything that has been, is, and will be.
And to remember the last words from my mother to me, ” Don’t worry, Everything that happens is through His Grace”.
Please share your comments or thoughts on how you practise mindful living in your day to day life.
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